I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
