Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
