i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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