my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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