I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
