I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
