I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
