I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Randomize