Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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