My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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