someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
