I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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