Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
