You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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