will power is for people who don't want to get laid
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
