Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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