He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
well I can't set my house on fire every night
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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