If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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