its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
