I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
