my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
