her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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