You can't special order awesome
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
