there's paper in my vomit.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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