If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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