3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
