On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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