he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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