No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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