i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
