You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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