Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
