checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
