My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
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