M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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