how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
