I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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