what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
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