her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
