I have demons in me.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
