can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize