I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
