dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
