I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
