do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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