Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
