You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
