can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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