If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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