Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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