you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
