i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
