i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
