Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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