it's too hot outside to masturbate.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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