I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
