That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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